MyMyselfandI

I am just taking things day by day at the moment

Dont really wanna say much in case I somehow jinx myself lol

Not too bad at present. But I have 'family problems' that I hafta get through to feel normal again

Thanks so much for caring enough to ask

If I ever get back to what I considered 'normal' back them I will shout it from the rooftops :-)

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Kinda wary to post anything in case 'it' is psychic or listening or something lol

Since Christmas day things havent been too bad.
Christine posted an aboriginal lady posture pic on here and I have held this pic and look at it daily.

It had helped me to improve on upper body posture.

Ie hold your upper body tall (in a way) your chest strong and proud. Thus you feel the abdomen - Not tensing those muscles but they kinda do something that in a way makes them tenseish but not at same time as you can relax your belly over this tensing feeling (OK that makes n sense lol)

Anyways *Touch wood* I have control of it again. It - I can still feel at different times during the day. It feels as it did in the beginning (Kinda like a finger is touching down below, not pressing but you can just feel it's prescence)

My last two periods have been totally out of whack also. Dec one lasted a whole 2 days. And Then arrived back 25 days later when I am like clockwork at 29days (or was)

I am hoping that things have levelled out as I am not ashamed to admit this setback totally floored me (More than floored to be honest - lower than floored)

BUT - I emailed with my Mothers Gynae - She gets her pessary from him.

His reply (The last one he sent me) Said ''Most women in their thirties get an operation'' I replied and said something like ''But I have heard bad things about the operations'' He did not reply at all. Not a word.
Lack of words speaks VOLUMES to me. Cos - If he felt that what I heard was wrong he would have just said 'Whoever told you that does not know what I know'' Or something
His lack of reply just makes me feel that he is hiding something ya know

Either way. Touch wood things are on the 'up' again.
I was totally bereft about not being able to go on my treadmill at all. This week I have been able to do alot more than I have in the past month which is a good thing for me - Mentally I mean.

I am also having some problems with my Partner (Not POP related) But I feel now that things will hopefully sort themselves out.

Life goes on. I have now to face another 'BptpxMurder' as I call it (I have Dystonia in my left hand and the only way to open this hand is to have it injected with Botox to shut the nerve up that contracts this hand)
This is on 31st
I am VERY scared. As This is BotoxMurder No3 and the last two were very painful (No1 he stirred needle in my arm while they tried to break open fingers thathad not opened in 2yrs. No2 time she did the mashed potato dance with needle in my arm) I am hoping this different Dr willjust inject normally and not try to kill me with a needle lol
Both the previous times my partner was with me trying to keep me calm. This time I think I will be alone and as he knows my illness well and knows how I am affected by the pain (which is far more than normal pain, it has a name this pain thing I forget the word now lol) I remember him trying to explain to the Dr how for me the pain is exceeded to a normal persons about 100% because of my illness.

OK I babble now - Shows I have to sort my head out and get through this Botox stuff, etc. Last time the Dr at hospital wrote to my Dr (normal GP) and told them I am depressed. I immediately wrote to my Dr and informed them I am NOT depressed. I was crying cos I KNEW this was gonna HURT seriously and I was right - It did.

Anyways. Hopefully things in 2008 for me will be far less painful than 2007 which started with pain and then I had surgery then a bit more pain between that and botox 1 then tooth pain from a fall I had, then on to more botox pain and so on a so forth.

So I pray 2008 will be a painless year and a POPless year.

:)
Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

IT is continually at the Introitis, Christmas day it was more out than it had ever been...

It is so annoying - Trying to escape all the time.
I never used to feel it at all and now every day I can feel 'something' to remnd me that it is there :-(

I wanna be able to forget about it again and to feel I have 'won'

Don't look like that is gonna happen though as nothing I do seems to make much of a difference

It has good and worse days. Some days it is not as 'trying to escape' as others

I wish this thing would just go away. I feel like somehow I have let myself down... As it was not a problem and then suddenly it is there like an eternal reminder I cannot stop noticing

I hate it to be honest

Just hoping that maybe it will suddenly get the hint and go back where it was .... Praying
Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

I cannot say this is the worst it has ever been - When i first had it i was able to feel it in a very uncomfortable way when walking - It was just uterine prolapse at that time - christmas day was the worst the Cystocele had ever been.

I do pray this is a blip - But in my head a blip lasts maybe a week or two - this is not on about its 6th week I think. Maybe more - gone through two periods with it.

I had constipation for one day - No harsh pushing or anything - Then I noticed this. Now - if I am sat down i feel fine. When stood I feel a pressing, which gets worse through out the day and wprse clse to period time etc

I have reviewed posture, checked and checked myself.
Perfected upper bosy posture - which actually made it feel worse (lol) Now upper body i have relaxed a tiny bit and it feels a little better for it (not so pressy)

I cannot think of anything else I might have changed.
If i could pinpoint something I would immediately try to rectify that. I am really upset by this, and it is hard to think of anything but 'what will the future bring with this'

I am already disabled - Funny but I feel I can cope with the maladies my disability has brought me far easier than this - Maybe cos i know there is no 'fix' for this and my maladies even though there is no fix, have ways of alleviating pains and all their weirdities.

I just hate feelingit and constantly being reminded that it is there...

...

One thing that changed - No so much sex as he and I were not getting along - lol (And this proplase kinda put me off) But that has not been really going on for more than a few weeks...

We have thankfully sorted through our problems now... So maybe things will even out. Problem is I am fighting a huge bout of Insomnia and fatigue (and being so very tired and not being able to sleep is annoying)

I dont think it is a sex thing though to be honest. As we have had 'dry spots' alot in this past year cos of my surgery and stuff. So its no biggie - Cos i hafta see how I feel disability wise anyways to tellme what my life will be like at differing times.

It worried me that if it exits, what would I do? I really do not wanna have a pessary fitted as in UK they are left there for 6mths and thats a kiinda lifetime thing (I never get any malady that doesnt last forever it seems) Maybe i will make my own removable pessary lol (I dont get on with sea sponges unfortunately - they make me feel eeky dry and uncomfortable)

I dunno. This thing freaks me out as I was so very UP and positive and everything and now I am confused, feeling like I have failed somehow. This thing scares me so very much, it freaks me out totally. Its always there - i can always feel its there... I feel like this has taken so much and it 'reminds' me that it is there every single bloody day. I was so happy when i thought i had conquered it.
Now - I feel like i have failed myself and this thing just reminds me of this all the damned time.

Xmas day it was VERY bad (prolly from moving the table and stuff) It was so very bad, i pray it will never get to that point again but even in saying that i fear that is exactly what it will do :'(

This upsets me, makes me feel like s***, a lesser woman or something.

Now ya wish you hadn't asked eh.
If I can find a way to stabilize this again like I did before - So I cannot feel it every day - I will be so happy and it will give me the confidence in myself that this can be done.

I am trying everything I can though...

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

I found this drink in ASDA - Not exacttly the healthiest thing on the planet as has aspartame in it - But it sure keeps things moving down there

Its called

Minute Maid - Apple and Mango juice (they do other flavours also)

I love it and feel it makes things move alot better - Mum also found that strawberries when in season do this also

You can also get something from Dr called Normacol plus Mum gets it on prescription Mum says this stuff is great...

Baseline would be a great place to be

I wonder why my partner puts up with me sometimes (then again god knows why i put up with him lol)
But he has been traumatised so many times at the things I have gone through... He was called into recovery room when I had my hernia done 2nd time lol, he was there when i had the pessary fitted that lasted 18hrs. He is always with me when I go for differing OUCHY things so I guess he must wonder what I am gonna get next lol

Baseline...... Yeah I wanna go there again and remain there

I have a rectocele but *touch wood* it is not causing me any problems at moment and hopefully wont (dont need any more hassle)
Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

my grandmother had a pessary and being the obsessive compulsive clean freak that she is, she felt that she had to remove it and clean it regularly(by herself) which she did!

If i were in my sixties it wouldnt be such an issue but being in my thirties the pessary issue seems to take on a whole new 'thing' for me. Knowing how it works and stuff, I feel that eventually the pessary I would have would be increased and increased and then they would say 'we dont have one that big now' and i would be set up in a situation where an operation might be my only option.

So am trying to put off pessary issues in my mind for over 20yrs lol

I would be happiest If i could find away to get a grip on this without having to resort to this option

*Maybe i will just ram a ping pong ball up there* lolllllllll
Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Like you I had IBS but not the constipation side of it - In fact it just gave me the worst belly aches possible.

I reduced red meat to a minimum and I also dont get it any more

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

It is sold in little bottles in the fridge...

87p a bottle - But i loooove to have one with dinner as soooooo tasty

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Eeps.....
Just found this online...

*Diseases of the nervous system. Pelvic organ prolapse is more common in women who have multiple sclerosis, muscular dystrophy, or a spinal cord injury than in women who do not have such conditions. *

Great - So this might be worsened by my disability - Oh lucky me!

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

The main ailment that disabled me I can kinda cope with. Pain you can take a pill for (sometimes it works)

This POP I do not believe there is any real fix for. So the only way to get through is to continually try to change the way you do things.

I must admit I have thought about surgery - But as you say the thought of thatis TERRIBLY scary as we know that it is not a true fix. We know nothing is a 100% hassle free fix. So basically all we areleft with are our bodies and what we can do to make this thing easier to cope with.

Before I got sick I used to adore to walk and walk for milesssssssssssss. My partner loves to go to walk on Dartmoor and I am jealous of him because this is not something I can do now. I cannot stop him from his love of walking etc. So just hafta cope with it.

If I do manage this for like 20-30 years and all is as it is today then YAY me. If you do then YAY you. The 'what ifs' are scary as you just do not know what might happen tomorrow or ten years from now etc.

Everything else I was coping with, before the POP was just about copeable - OK not fun but I have coping strategies that work on that, to a point (I freak out in painful situations and fall to bits, partner picks me up - I get on with life) lol
This howeever - So far I have only been left ina quandry of 'How can I sort this and get it back where it was where I didnt get reminded by it all the time that I have it'

I have no answers for that one. There are no answers (The more I think about it the better a ping pong ball sounds lolol)

Only time will tell on that one. And I am on a daily basis trying to re-evaluate posture, what I do - How I do it. My washing basket I no longer lift at all (Had it fitted on to a kinda pull along trolley - Works well, no lifting of that)

I used to be so fit, and feel so powerful in my body and what it could do. Then I got sick, then I had my daughter and when she was about 2or 3 - This came along.

But I remind myself thatif this is what I hafta have to have her - Thats how its gotta be :-) She is a wonderful light in my life :-) As are my sons. And I prolly got this in my first birth which was forceps.

Life goes on and I will endeavour to find a way to stop the continual feeling IT gives me :-)

Have you tried the twisting to the right when having a BM?
Strawberries really work for constipation also... Luckily I adore strawberries lollllllll
Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Sometimes holding your breath then twisting and breathing out slowwwwwwwwwwwwwww helps also...

My partner - He understands cos when I first noticed my prolapse 'closing the door' I stood up and had him FEEL IT! He came with me and was traumatised by the fitting of the pessary that lasted a whole 18hrs.

I guess in a way I am lucky he can take all the things I have put him through (lolol)

Maybe you need to have a nice cutting line to slap out at him to tell him in no uncertain terms what this thing is. Yes it may be hidden - But if you said something like ''How would you feel if your ass developed a huge bulge in it so you couldn't crap'' (Scuse abrupt language but sometimes men need this as they are thick).

I have said to my partner once ''If you hadd a pea come out of the end of your **** then you might notice how uncomfortable that might be''

He gets it. And now he is far far more understanding that he was at the beginning.

He has had to get used to alot of things with me. I have been told I have 'Hyperpathia' (A thing where you get a stumulus - say a prod - and the nerves make the pain you feel 100 or more times what it should actually be) Even people in the hospital have assumed I was 'putting it on' They could not understand for a long time why I cry before i get the pain of whatever they are about to do to me. They assumed i was depressed - No - I am just in fear of a small pain as to me it will be recieved as a HUGEMUNGOUS pain.

Maybe you need to be more outright in your descriptions to him - Men only seem to understand things that are blatantly in their face - So that might be the way to inform him.

I hope he will understand (Or i will get my partner to phone him and verbally slap it into him lolol)

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Hope you don't mind me jumping in. I had a totally crap day the day before yesterday. My prolapse was worse than it's been for a long time. I wondered if it was associated with the vaginal dryness which came first. Don't know. I know my prolapse was worse because when I walk I often have the "saggy" feeling when I set out but after a couple of minutes everything lifts and I feel fine. However, it all just sagged for the whole walk the other day and I felt so depressed. I have been attending to my posture and things improved yesterday so I will keep doing that. It is awful to have a setback because things had gradually improved over the last two years, to the point that I was happy to live with my prolapse. I am so scared that it might get worse now and that all those doctors who preach doom and gloom are right. It would be nice to have an understanding partner, but I live with my teenage daughter and I can't dump it on her. The only place I have to talk about it is here. I hope you don't mind me having a moan, sigh...
Wendy

The dryness came first this time - Then the 'lump'

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Ignore him. Men are useful for plumbing - so they do have at least one use (Mine has two he is a great cook too lol)

Do not be down.
(((HUGS)))

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Thats true - Men are basicallyunable to multi task or even think of what is really needing to be done (It must be a genetic abnormality or something)

Tell him if he wants a love affair with vacuuming - GO DO IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY LUMMOX

I understand the crying bit - But that is grieving to be honest - Grieving that you are no longer 'who' you were. I grieved this when I became disabled and my life of wanting to teach aerobics was removed.

Any life changing event can cause grief to get used to it and grief is in all effects a good thing to work through as it is the only way to get through the other side

This POP came back and i was a TOTAL mess - Still am some days! So never feel alone we are all in this 'mess' arent we.

It is a shame we cannot swap bodies with our men and let them feel what it is like to carry all this that we are going through. I think they would think twice then!

If he wants it pristine - He has to get off his a$$ and do it - If he cannot understand you are unwell - TOUGH.

Just ignore him - Its not work arguing over as it will just depress you more and sap you of all the strength you need to get through this
Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Hi there,
I am sorry that the men in some your lives are not helping a lot. Maybe I am better off (being on my own) rather than having a man who is unsympathetic (failing one of the other kind, who really do help). But am pleased to tell you I had a good day with my prolapse today and such a change from the day before yesterday when I felt like I could just about grab the next surgeon and beg him to relieve me of it. So it seems like we really need to accept that there will be good and bad days sometimes. Because I sit a lot (at work and on the train travelling to and from work) I am training myself to keep my posture right while sitting. It seems to help. I also think I need to get used to the vaginal dryness and slight burning sensation that occurs on and off now and just apply some lubricant when I need it. I know what the ladies here mean when they mourn the loss of their pre-prolapse bodies. It has been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with. The bad days (which are thankfully few) are the biggest test. My mother lived with a severe prolapse for many years and had a hysterectomy when she was in her 70s. I wish she had told me about it sooner and things I could have done to avoid it myself - I intend to keep my own daughter more informed than I was. I don't think any woman should suffer in silence, yet there seems to be some evidence that a lot of women do keep it to themselves and don't tell anyone, including their doctor. Oh well, enough of my ramblings.
Take care,
Wendy

Stupid thing is being a pain at moment...
I know its period time so it's a bit worse but it is allllllways there and always reminding me that it's there...

Nothing I do bar lying down makes it go away..
Stoopid thing

Grrrrrrrrr

Funny how something so small cane impede with life so very much isnt it

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

I think pessaries lift everything as they stretch out the upper part of the 'insides' and make it all tighter via stretching it taught etc

I am actually on Day1 of my period - But it feels worse than it did on Day15 of the cycle :-(

I guess I am just gutted as I was doing so well and this 'setback' just doesn't budge no matter what I do and I have looked at my posture so many times in this past two months I dunno what to do next (Bar try to learn how to live with it of course)

I never got on with sea sponges - They made me feel totally dried out inside...

If I had any at this time of the month I would try a tampon - se if that helped but I gave them all away cos I didnt like em lol - Trust me to give it all away then need it lollll

All I can think of at moment is - If it stays like this for next 20yrs say - Can I cope with that (I probably would, no matter what) But my head then tells me - what if it gets worse again once I get used to this :-O

I just want it to get better like it was before when I only felt it once a month, if that...

Well...
Life goes on, have adjusted the washing basket to be on wheels so no heavy lifting...

And I guess this is just yet another thing I will get used to over time - Maybe something worse will come along and make this seem insignificant? (God I pray not!)

I wanna be able to walk so many miles like I used to pre-disability... I miss that and it messes with my mind as the only time I could 'zone out into my own space' was when I was exercising. That was MY time for just me - Inside my head - I miss that time (Hell I miss the old me)

Heck i thought the terrible blisters from my ole rowing machine ere bad - That was bliss compared to this!
Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Actually initially it was a uterine prolapse and it was out the door - Walkng was worse than it is now so I have that to be thankful for

My 'Dr' iserted a pessary (way too large I was told after by a Gynae) and after that came out 18hrs later! I found suddenly I have a Cystocele and a Rectocele - I may have had them before - who knows - I only noticed them after the 'bracelet' pessary event (I still have that pessary - to remind me to avoid both my Dr and the pessaries lol)

Now - The Cystocele is the one trying to get out the door. It is annoying but I guess not as bad as the initial feeling I had...

After I came here and did posture - It was so amazing - Everything was inside and I felt normal (as i xan lol being a nutjob) again - I felt freed from the worry of it - Till this November (Over a year later) when it decided it missed me and would return.

Since then I have fallen apart (I always do that when something new and scary happens to me lol) I have picked myself up and dragged myself on to this point...

I have tried everything I can think of to make it go back in , tried thinking of why the thing changed - What did I do? I can think of nothing that would do this really...

Next Friday I have another painful Hospital appt (Not for POP for the Dystonia I have) I am scareddddddddddd at that - But even though that hurts like hell when they do it - I think I would rather that than this as that pain is over when they remove the needle - Until I return in about 3-6mths for next Jabberama - This is here all the flippin time... This time on Friday they are sending me a prescription for some 'Magic cream' to try to see if that makes the pain less - I am at a different hospital this time also, so hoping this doctor is not the same as the Oucherama doctor who told me I was depressed cos I was crying cos I knew the pain I was about to go through (He says there is no pain with this procedure - No not for him - He is the needleInjectorizer - Then he writes to my Dr and tells her I am depressed and I have Hyperpathia, He gives me a prescription for some anti depressant (chucked it in the bin - It makes you gain weight rapidly as one of the side effects - I am not playing THAT game - I would be depressed then! lol So I just wrote to my Dr and explained how I am NOT depressed generally - Just scared of the pain etc... (That was before the POP came back - I think depressed would go with this one when I realized what it means etc - Now I am not depressed - Just p*ss*d off with it)

As you say - I think if we were as we were before we would be glad to do all the things that we have to do unhelped...

But.....
You cannot turn back the clock (The POPclock i would like to though if nothing else)

And - WE ARE LUCKY - Really we are

I am lucky I have 3 beautiful healthy children - A mother who is my best friend, so many things to be grateful for really and POP is not like the big C... When I was 6mths regnant and on an MRI scanner to try and find out what was wrong with me I was worried it was Cancer and I would have had to make the choice of the baby living or me (She would have won) But I got off LIGHTLY with this disability in all effects.

I am not in a wheelchair at moment - I am lucky in that
I live in a happy world (Ignoring POP) even though I dont get out much, and am pretty isolated - People dont understand why this woman is on a walking stick, I get ignored alot out there in the world, I am invisible in my own life - lol

See...... We are lucky - Just hafta focus on WHAT makes us this lucky really...

Not money - Not things - Family - That is a wondrous thing that is worth beyond all riches...

But - Having said all that - The POP is a pain in the ass (so to speak) and if I can find a way to make it become asymptomatic again - I will do it...

Have a great weekend

*Ignore all Typos - An alien did it - Not me*

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Sometimes I feel like an imposter on this forum because really my POP doesn't give me great deal of trouble in the sense that I goes days on end with it feeling crappy, but I too am caught up in the cycle of it feeling better then worse then better and so on. It certainly has a "presence" in my life, but a lot of the time I don't know it's there, or at least I don't think about it, a lot of the time I even forget to do the few kegels I set myself. I keep reading the posts here though because you're such a lovely bunch of people and I'm sorry if I am sounding superior, but you are all such interesting people and the things you explore are quite amazing. Kit, am up early myself for the fourth time this week, have been having a bad patch, some "psychological" hassles which I am terrified won't resolve soon enough, but of course the fear just compounds things. Anyway, we are none of us alone in our struggles and there is wisdom and support aplenty if you need it, and of course our own inner resources which are considerable in all of us. Phew, that was a bit intense!! Hope you all have a great day, night, or whatever according to your time zones...
love
Wendy

I do not know what your problem is (Dont need to) But I have found in my life, through many things I wouldnt talk about in here - That fear itself will be like a virus in your computer - It takes over and is very hard to get through until you face it head on.

There are many things that we are challenged by (Or thrown into usually) and not all of them are something that are easy to get through, but where there is life there really IS hope and where you survive you are strong to get through with just your mind in tact sometimes :-)

Think that many people would give in to that which you have faced and got through (whatever it is is not the issue - everyone has to face many differing things) You have stood up (or fallen down - matters not) And you have gone on with life and you will get through, however hard that may be and I know sometimes it seems insurmountable. It did to me once...

The only fear I carry That I have never got through is my irrational fear of death (Went to a counsellor - She said I am a rational educated woman and there is nothing she can counsel me out of - lol) I know it's irrational I have had it most of my life! lol

Remember - If forgiving yourself is something that you have to be able to do t get through life then that may be the thing to work on :-) Everyone has things to face and now I have gone into ramble mode lol

Fear is an emotion. It makes your body act in a certain way - Like many of us here the FEAR of POP can be worse than the POP itself ya know...

We all walk many roads in our lives - There are many turn off but each road we traverse mulds who we are today. That is what makes you who you are. The roads you walk are that which mould your psyche and make the you YOU. So when people ask you why are you like you are - Tell them that the roads which you travel upon have moulded you into the human you are - And the woman you will become will be one moulded by those roads you walk every day of your life and each turning writes a new chapter in the story - That is YOU

All will be well :-)
Sue

*All typos are not done by me - They are done by her* --->

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Thank you for taking the time to reply and the things you said were so worth reading. Not sure what is wrong with me, my psyche is just going through a storm I guess is what it feels like, very hard to shake it when I'm not sure what is happening myself. Just not myself, you know. Also thoughts spinning out. General feeling of not being at peace with myself. Felling OK, then not. I guess it's like a crisis, everything is out of kilter. But nothing's happening Sue, that's the stupid thing, my life hasn't changed in any major way lately, it's all in my mind, it's my mind that's creating this mess. I live alone with my daughter and this thing has been upsetting her too. Am so sorry to dump. It will resolve itself, I know, I have been in bad spaces before and I've always come out of them. Although I know logically it's all in the mind, that old darn mind doesn't want to be brought under control sometimes. Now it's me that's rambling. I hope this doesn't alarm anyone, thank you for listening, especially Sue.
Wendy

Sometimes you just hafta allow yourself to be out of kilter

Its normal - Life changes - Things happen

Sometimes we feel crapola for no reason and this can become a cycle

Sometimes we get angry at ourselves for acting out (Sometimes this is a good thing - Kids do it and feel better for it so why should we be so perfect?) lol

Just give yourself time - Things usually sort themselves in the end - Allow yourself time to be mad and stuff

Hell I am mad and I quite like it sometimes hehehe (Mad loopy not mad angry lol - Or both Hmmmmm)

Anyways. Before I got sick adding a nice walk into my life used to help with things like this - Go for a walk and think..... Inside of your own head just pounding the pavements... It really helped me tidy up that room in my head (Thats what I miss now about being disabled - No pounding the pavements and tidying up this mess inside my head)

:-)

Sue

*All typos were done by the green man in the corner*

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

My Deathphobia used to give me panic attacks - Still would if i would let it - Back then the only way to get me out of a panic attack was to slap myself round the face (at end this got quite painful lollllll)

I think when our kids get ill or anything that is a huge stress - My son had whooping cough as a baby - stopped breathing many times - That scared me so much. He will be 18 on Valentines day :-)

Anxiety seems to always hit you from a different angle - Keeping you on your toes i spose

Sue

*I didn't do that typo - YOU did it* (Admit it - you know you did)

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Sue, There you go again ..."And the woman you will become will be one moulded by those roads you walk every day of your life and each turning writes a new chapter in the story - That is YOU." I believe I will start me a folder entitled Sue-isms.

You offered me so much help this week, exercise wise, and all the while you were in midst of a deep personal struggle. How totally unselfish and giving you are. I wish I could come and pick you up and set you in some healing vortex for a while. When you've exhausted the list of helps, as you say you have, what is left to do but wait? That is exhausting in itself. I wish for healing to come your way very, very soon. For someone like you that shares her answers so freely, surely some additional answers will come your way. That seems only fair to me. Help will come. I believe.

Wendy, you are no fraud. I know how you feel, because after my initial fearful passage I learned that my pop problems are minimal--some other pain masking and making my situation seem dire. Still, there are real changes to my body and the process that I went through was real, is real and has changed me. To not share what we've learned by leaving seems unfair as well. I am sorry your nighttime awakenings are not peaceful. Nighttime can be brutal or it can be a blessing. I have known both. Am deeply in the blessing state right now. Thankfully, I do not battle with depression as some do. But I feel things very deeply and life does give us painful passages that can make for some painful nights. I don’t know your age, but hormones can really mess with your head as well as your body. It can go on for years. As to the burning, please don’t ignore it. Your body is asking for help. If Christine’s balms do not help, email me and I will send you a link to a lovely organic aloe gel. I had to ignore the burning for years until I found the gel on my own. I will read a poem for you if I wake during the night tonight. I will send it to you if only in my heart. Last night I woke up thinking of another poster here. I have been surprised at how connected I feel to the hurting hearts, how much I want to help. And on that note, could I please ask the ones here on this topic, since I truly feel a connectedness to you...would you please answer this question for me to the best of your knowing...

Why do you think the fundraiser topic is being ignored by most of the major contributors here? If it is because of me, I can step fully and completely away. I don't matter in this equation. The help I have received will stay with me for life whether I am here or not. My deep and genuine desire was to see Christine, who I do not know at all, helped in this work. I know what it feels like to try to further something without the needed funds. I know the desire in me comes from a pure place and I make no apologies for it, nor do I feel any personal hurt that I could not stir action. I am far too grounded to feel anything but a loss for explanation...that said, if someone else could carry this forward with more success, then I would surely, gratefully step aside and I'm sure, knowing me, I would be guided quickly in another direction. Need is everywhere, everyday. Please, those of you that have been posting here today, and others brave enough to join in, tell me what you feel. I am sensitive natured, yes, to an enormous almost cosmic degree but I am also strong and settled and firmly grounded. I hold others up as I can, my own internal support system provides for me most days, and if I need an understanding shoulder I've only to look in my own home. I am deeply loved and love deeply. So, no worries for breaking my heart, tell me what I did, or didn’t do, that caused such profound quietness that it seems to shout among so many that usually have so very much to say.

ATS, I read your posts here and I feel your struggles. Please don’t feel left out that I didn’t write a lot to you today. You and I have shared so much that I feel you already have my care firmly around you without me having to enforce it today. I find myself suddenly very, very tired. There is just so very much that I don’t understand. I see life too simply, I guess.

And I know that I’ve missed some things as you all have been posting as I’ve been writing. Please forgive any oversight. I don’t feel I can keep up today. Kit

What fundraiser topic? And you dont hafta stay away from anything by the way I think you are great :-)

You know - I have no idea why when people say nice things to me I feel likee crying - Like I am a fraud or something. I feel like that cos on my good days usig the world disabled (well I always say DisLabeled) seems weird. Maybe cos the mind is not disabled - Just locked inside a body thats falling to bits lol

I rarely read back what I write unless I notice a typo - and so once typed - Thats whatever I thought at that moment lol - If i read back what I wrote I might delete it cos I know sometimes I say prolly more about my life that I normally would on here (Mostly I am an open book on here - But in life I tend to keep things to myself alot)

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger they say (So they say - lol)

I am opff in search of the fundraiser thread now...

Sue

*I did not do that typo - Must be an inner demon*

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Hi Kit,

For what it is worth, IMHO, I don't think people are ignoring the fundraising topic, and it most certainly has nothing to do with you!!!

It is just that people may not wish to shout from the roof tops if they have sent money, or may simply not wish to donate, or may not have enough money to do so. Donation is a very personal thing and publicising it can make some people uncomfortable.

Even when Christine appealed for help, few responded openly on the forum, but that doesn't mean that no one donated anything. You mustn't feel in any way uncomfortable though. What you have done is a lovely thing and may have reaped far more rewards for Wholewoman than you could ever imagine you know! :)

If you knew my normal day to day life it might send you mad too heheheeeeeeeeee

Maybe I should change my name to Me MyselfandLoopy (Though I have thought of changing it to MeMyselfAndCele for a long time)

I think that all women are made of strong stuff inside ya know. We go through so many things in just being a woman. men - They couldn't handle what we go through - Too weak lol

I think this site is very beneficial emotionally to many women. I think one of the hardest parts of the cele is the emotional bombshell it brings in to our lives.

To many of us (all prolly) This part of our body is our woman hood in a way - For something to completely dump a bomb into that is mindblowing...

It's psychotherapeutic - Yeah that's the word...

That word (psychotherapeutic ) is a word that covers what I grievs in the loss of the feeling exercise gave me - It was my therapy. Now - Maybe this is a good place for me to get therapy? Or give it lol - No - share ourselves with other women maybe.

See - In my head it tells me that this site is more than just a place for us to moan and gripe about the cards fate has handed us. (I always say to myself Fate deals the cards and we just hafta play em) This site is about opening our arms and reaching our across the seas to become one family - call is Whole woman or a family linked in Womanhood, a WorldWideWholeWomanHug?

When I came here I was a mess, last December I was a mess. Being Cancerian when this happens I go into my shell and only peek out cos I am nosy and wanna see what the world is up to ;-)

I remember a woman on the bus last year - She had an amazing walking stick (Black with pink kinda swirls on it) She came and sat by me - Told me her story iun a matter of bus stops and asked me how I cope with mothering while being disabled. She had an illness that will cause her back to beocme fused and in a few years she will not be at all able - She asked me abut how as she wanted to have a baby while she still had time...

I told her then and in POP it is the same in a way...

I told her that you hafta think of coping strategies. With POP you hafta plan if it is so annoying you cannot stand for long - You hafta have a strategy of how you can do what you hafta do in the time you can stand without annoyance - My mother also does this as she has very very bad arthritis and can only stand for 2-3mins at a time. She plans exactly what she will achieve in the time she can stand and she copes well, though housebound, I am there for her, though we are in a way each stuck in our own houses. I get her groceries delivered to her online, she feels useless at times but has no idea how just having her voice at the end of a phone is a help to me :-)

I told this woman on the bus (who i never saw again) How I had kind atrained my daughter to do things differently - Basically from birth. I would wave a nappy and she would crawl to me. I had to change her across my lap as I could not bend to the changing mat (which was on the floor or on the couch or bed etc)
I trained her to pick things up for me. This is now just natural for her. When she was 1yr old I had an operation and could no longer lift her. She then forged her own strategy of how to get on Mums lap when Mum couldnt lift her - She did this amazingly, and still does :-)

This is cos children are amazing and what is normal to her is not normal to everyone else I spose. She will grow up a child with insight into disabilty and it will be normality to her. that is in all essence a good thing.

If only all humans held this. Maybe people who are disabled would not feel so isolated and like they are just an annoyance to the world (I am an annoyance - two incidences at Christmas showed me this in stores - but thats another story lol)

OK I am babbling - argh

Maybe we could add a donate button on the top of the forum page? Via paypal people could donate even $1 / £1 whenever they had spare cash? That would be an idea maybe - Then it is there all the time?

OK I totally lost my thread oaf babble and rubbish I was writing
lol

Sorry to babble rubbish peeps

Sue

*All typos were made by the computer Cybertypos maybe*
Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

I think we should have a new section added - Just for chat :-)

I like to chat (Can you tell?)
It's nice for me to actually be able to talk to someone, hence babble...

Chatterama.......... That would be great - Not about POP - Just about life being a woman and other stuff too (Babblerama)

Sue

*Typos done by........... Ummmmmm.....*
Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

All of you are shining like that. Thanks for your wisdom and insight. Sue, I truly believe that for all the trials dealt you, equal measure has been added to your sometimes witty, often profound voice. Your wisdom is older than your years. You make me stronger and more dedicated to serve just listening to you. I will sit at your feet for a few minutes and rest my head. I am so tired suddenly. Kit

Kit,
I agree with UKmummy about how people feel about donations. You have done a very unselfish thing and hopefully
everyone will benefit.
Sue's idea of putting something at the top of the page about where and how to send donations is an excellent idea. It could start out with "If you would like to help support this web site." Then list ways to donate and stress that any amount would be welcome might encourage more people to donate. Just a thought.
Sue, I think your outlook on life is wonderful. I used to have an unreasonable fear of death too, but came to realize
it is part of the cycle of life. I'm still not crazy about the idea but some things are unavoidable.
All you ladies on this web site are marvellous and express some very profound ideas and thoughts.
Regards to all.
Flora

Christine, thank you. I will let this go. You will just have to trust me, or not, that my intention was pure, or as pure and genuine as human intention can be. I hope you and others do not see me as calculating. That could even shake my seemingly solid ground a bit. That would hurt. I certainly do not see or feel or perceive that about myself. I guess I have no power to change perception if others do. I feel at this point in my life that I am as transparent as I have ever been, and possibly will ever be. Good luck in all you do. Kit

Anita - I couldn't have said it better: "on those really bad days we turn to others for support and on the good days we come to help in the best way we can." That is exactly what this place is all about, and Kit is a HUGH part of this family. I know she has helped me tremendously, through her poetry and her support. I look forward to reading so much more of what she has to say. She is a beautiful person!
Goldfinch

Hi All

You have all been busy while I have been away! There have been so many deep and meaningful things said. I have just read (skimmed) 48 new messages on this string. Lots of things leapt out at me. I think the main one was that,

"I am not my POP".

We all have so many aspects of ourselves and sometimes certain aspects become embroiled in other aspects, to the point where they almost develop into a cause/effect thing, whether or not this is real.

POP is a physical malpositioning thing that annoys the @$%^& out of us at times, is often there but manageable, and sometimes just seems to disappear for a time. And some women have other physical things that are just with them all the time. Other things are emotional or social or spiritual things that come and go for all of us in response to what is happening in our lives at the time, and often trigger emotional responses while we are dealing with POP. This is where I think we can get tricked into cause/effect thinking.

I don't know what the answer is, other than to just be women and talk about it, which is the great thing about this site. But sometimes I think we need to go back and tell ourselves, "I am not my POP", and just manage the POP by applying all we know about our own bodies and try to keep from allowing the POP to become embroiled in all the other stuff in our lives, even though some of the other stuff like menstrual cycles, diet, current emotional state and the other significant people, both male and female affect the state of our POP's.

IMAO, to allow our emotional responses to other things to affect the condition of our prolapses, by making us depressed, anxious, worried, fearful etc about prolapse, is to sabotage our bodies' attempts to stay whole.

Sorry this a big rave. It is all a bit too theoretical when you feel like s%&t, but I hope somebody understand what I think I am talking about!

Cheers

Louise